SAN FRANCISCO, CA – According to recent census data, Americans are flocking to large cities, specifically ones that are likely targets during a nuclear attack.
“Since the 2016 election, we’ve seen a sharp increase in people moving to cities that would be targeted first in a nuclear attack,” said U.S. Census Bureau representative, Kelly Zhou. “Cities like Los Angeles, New York, Washington D.C., Seattle – those cities are seeing a huge influx of people hoping to die right away when we end up in a nuclear war. To be honest, it makes total sense to me. We have a dumb angry president and war is inevitable. I’ve seen post-apocalyptic movies. I don’t want to be around for any of that nonsense.”
During the Cold War Americans across the country invested in bomb shelters to keep their families safe from a possible nuclear attack. Since 2016 Americans are instead opting to move to places guaranteed to be destroyed in a nuclear attack.
“I don’t want to be around after the nuclear war starts. Fuck that shit,” said Jonah Fratelli who recently moved to Washington D.C. “So I moved to a city that is guaranteed to get blown up first. In fact, when the missiles come I’m going to go outside, look to the sky and thank god because it will finally be over. God I hope it comes soon. This life is getting really shitty. Maybe I should send a letter to Kim Jong-un talking shit just to help speed things up.”
Cities along the California coast have seen the largest increase in populations. Long Beach County in California has seen a 4% increase in population, amounting to an additional 20,000 residents in just two years.
“The weather here is very nice, there are amazing cities with endless possibilities and the fact that we are well within striking distance of North Korea… those are probably why people are moving here,” said California Business, Consumer Services and Housing Agency Secretary, Alexis Podesta. “We are considering adding a new ad campaign for California that says ‘come for the fun, stay for the pending nuclear destruction.’ Or something like that. We have to focus group it first. We’ll want something that rolls off the tongue easy, you know?”
Housing prices in these cities have generally been unaffected as the influx of people is looking for lower quality homes that will not provide shelter during a missile attack.
“The people moving here are moving to traditionally difficult to sell areas – like next to nuclear power plants and airports,” said Washington Governor, Jay Inslee. “And those that are moving in to the downtown areas, they are looking for shack-type of homes so the normal people are still able to pay enormous amounts of money for houses here. So that’s good.”
Some cities have begun to cater to this new trend by building weak housing structures next to military bases, government buildings and energy sources.
“We are planning some really big developments in the shape of a giant ‘X’ so when enemies are looking for locations to bomb they instinctively aim for the giant ‘X’ on the map. We are also building homes stacked on top of each other across the fence from military bases,” said San Francisco developer, Hank Garret. “We have been building a lot of homes out of twigs and tarps lately. We aren’t even using screws and nails. People want houses that won’t provide any protection against an attack so that is saving us a ton of money on building materials. I made a house last week from shit I found at a used arts and crafts store.”