Fundamentalist Christians in the US are becoming increasingly frustrated with President Trump’s lukewarm commitment to bringing about the End Times. A White House spokesman is urging the faithful to be patient, explaining that the President has to concentrate on things such as dismantling Obamacare first. ‘After all’, a spokeswoman said, ‘we don’t want to leave liberals and sodomites with access to medical treatment for the effects of nuclear attack’.
But fans of the Rapture refuse to be fobbed off. ‘He’s coming very close to missing the deadline set in the Book of Revelations’, says the Reverend Huntley Carson, of the United Baptist Church of Kansas. ‘To be honest, the last sixty years have been a series of missed opportunities. That traitor Reagan kept teasing us by stepping up to the brink and then stopping just short of incinerating the planet. The rot started with Kennedy failing to turn the Cuban Missile Crisis into a world war. But at least he had an excuse – he was a Democrat’.
The increasingly restless fundamentalists say they are ‘shocked’ that anyone might think they elected the 45th President for any reason other than nuclear annihilation. ‘Let’s face it’, says one of them, ‘if we had long term survival in mind, we’d have elected a real president, not this buffoon. This is the day when the righteous are snatched up to heaven while fornicators and people who read Charles Darwin remain earthbound to be vaporised in a nuclear holocaust. At least we have this in common with liberals – none of us can stand the thought of four years of Donald Trump’.
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