Avoid using British parts, European porn makers advised|Humor

Stars of the UK porn industry are on all fours after the EU advised against the use of British private parts in porn products and merchandise once Brexit takes place. To qualify for free trade access, at least 55% of a product must originate from an EU country. British porn stars gathered at a hastily convened coming together, clearly stressed and anxious at their future employment prospects. After much panting, moaning and the occasional scream, the meeting was extended beyond the planned two hours as members failed to reach a satisfactory climax.

‘I voted Leave because I thought it was the right time to withdraw. Naturally I was all in favour of a hard Brexit, but I regret it now,’ said British porn star Donald ‘Donkey Ride’ Fleetwood. ‘The industry is already going down steadily and this is going to a terrible blow to jobs in porn. Trading conditions suck already and – hang on, I think this one will work – and I think we should have listened to the expert anal-ysts.’

Defiant Leaver Ricky ‘The Dick’ Rixon, however, said that, unlike him, Brexit couldn’t come quick enough. ‘They think they can manage without good old British spunk, well them Europornocrats have another think coming,’ he said. ‘No-one makes council house porn featuring fat middle aged blokes and peroxide chavs with tattoos going at it on a filthy carpet better than the Brits. No 30-year-old French women look as convincing as naughty schoolgirls in 1950s uniforms as British babes do. They’ll come crawling back to us on their hands and knees, mark my words. Probably wearing black latex and sweating like pigs, if I know the Germans.’

However, tearful Remainer Daisy Buck called them both ‘dickheads’, ignoring Rixon’s retort that ‘If there was a dick on my head, love, you would be sitting on my shoulders’. ‘My career is ruined,’ sobbed the girl said to have put the ‘sex’ into Essex. ‘I’ve only ever done manual – and oral – work all my life and I don’t know nothing else. My O and A levels aren’t going to have any relevance in the wider employment market. And I can’t even work in Europe on the side because I’ve got a Made In England tattoo right above my vajazzle.’

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