EPA: Renewable Energy Causes 104,412 Illnesses|Humor

According to a recent report by the EPA, renewable energy such as wind and solar power cause over 100,000 illnesses.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Environmental Protection Agency has released a new study that concludes renewable energy, specifically solar and wind generated power, can cause up to 104,412 illnesses.

“(The EPA) just published a ground breaking report that clearly shows that the renewable energy that the Democrats have been pushing on us for so long is actually the cause of almost every illness that’s out there,” said EPA spokesman Frank Servees. “All the diseases that you don’t want to get… they are all caused by so called renewable power. Yup. The flu, gonorrhea, erectile dysfunction, AIDS, all the cancers. Solar and wind cause all of those. Yup, it’s a fact. Can’t dispute it. There’s even speculation that renewable energy is responsible for all of the people who are now allergic to gluten.”

The study, conducted over an afternoon last week, was supervised by EPA Director Scott Pruitt and marks the first major environmental study conducted under the Trump Administration.

“This study is all very scientific with all sorts of science things in there that we did to get a real science result” said Pruitt. “We used science and talked to all kinds of people and looked at number of sick people and then we put that all in to a spreadsheet and when we added up all the columns using scientific formulas we saw that every disease that people could name was occurring in the exact same places where solar and wind energy are used. The data is indisputable. Also, the same data set shows that the Trump inauguration was the biggest one that’s every occurred and was way bigger than Obama’s (inauguration crowd). I almost forgot that I have to mention that in every study. Phew. I could have lost my job if I forgot!”

According to the study, renewable energy is “the most dangerous thing ever, like, by a lot.”

The study states “wind and solar energies are derived in very dangerous and really bad methods that pulls healthy cells out of otherwise healthy humans and replaces them with cells that have diseases. Thus, vis-a-vie, and therefore, when a person living near a thing that is making wind or solar power they are hereby made sick with things like brain cancers, mesothelioma, diabetes, homosexuality, and erectile dysfunction. In scientific conclusion, people should only use coal and gasoline power because renewable energies will kill every human being within 100 miles.”

The study contradicts almost every study conducted over the last 30 years.

“For years, the democrats told us that renewable energy was healthy and that coal and gasoline was not. Well, now who’s laughing?” said Pruitt. “The democrats were trying to kill us with their solar power. They tried to take away coal jobs and now we have proof that coal doesn’t kill and solar does so that’s what we know now. Also, it’s been an absolutely amazing experience working for the… sorry I can’t read this word… pre-no-min-al, yes, phenomenal president Trump who is the best president I’ve ever worked for ever. Definitely the best. Hail Trump!”

Some scientists have come out against the report saying that the study was not conducted using the scientific method and that the data appears to be “completely fictional”.

“This report from the EPA is not science. It is not anything remotely close to science. It wasn’t written by anyone with any bit of scientific understanding, let alone an understanding of the English language,” said Massachusetts Institute of Technology Physics professor, Taline Crajakic. “You know what? Fuck it. We are all gonna die with these assholes in charge so it doesn’t matter. Just enjoy the two, maybe three years we have left.”

According to an EPA press release, the agency will release another study in the coming weeks that concludes coal power makes men stronger, women more beautiful and fertile and cures all forms of cancer in white men.

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“President Trump Fixes Earth” is #1 Show in the Alpha Centauri Galaxy|Humor

image for
“Award or no award, no one talks to the Galaxy Commander like that!” said Alpha Centauri’s press release.

Washington, DC President Donald Trump was recently visited by a spaceship fron Alpha Centauri, to give him the Galaxy Award, an award to the top entertainment show in the (Alpha Centauri) galaxy.

“Our people cannot get enough of the crazy Trump administration and family. It is so true that you can’t make this stuff up. When it’s time for the Trump Weekly Roundup, there is not a person on our streets-they are all home watching Trump on their pulse-screens!” said an alien representative.

Instead of accepting the award, Trump told the aliens they had to leave unless they had a passport. The aliens vowed retaliation and left.

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Toddler’s reject offer of extra hour in bed|Humor

Britain’s under threes have welcomed the end of British Summer Time by waking up even earlier than usual on purpose.

As the nation’s clocks went back, toddlers across the country deliberately set their body clocks forward an hour in a synchronised display of abject bastardry.

Father of two-year-old twins, Nick Ferguson, said: “My son woke me from a deep sleep at 5.30am to ask me if grasshoppers had teeth. I said no. Then I realised it was actually 4.30am and briefly considered running away from home.

“I watched Zootropolis twice, went to two petting farms and spent nearly three hours in a garden centre looking at some goldfish. We were still nowhere near teatime and it felt more like 1am on the second night of a heavy stag do.”

Meanwhile non-parents have been threatened with extreme violence after innocently asking people with young children whether they enjoyed the extra hour in bed.

Mother of a six month old baby, Claire Haslop, said: “My younger sister came round yesterday and – with no sense of irony whatsoever – asked me if I enjoyed the lie in.

“She actually asked me that.

“I smiled and said ‘not really’ while making a mental note to one day set fire to her sofa.”

Matt Ward

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All Men Will Now Be Required to Wear Body Cameras|Humor

image for All Men Will Now Be Required to Wear Body Cameras
What about your dad? Your grandfather?

WORLD- Following the explosive revelations about movie mogul Harvey Weinstein’s years of predatory sexual behavior, the virality of assault victim hashtag #Metoo, and the growing number of other men being outed as sexual predators, the World has decided to pass legislation stating that all men will now be forced to wear body cameras.

“We just thought that they would just want to be better…but it seems like when they’re not being monitored – they lose their fucking minds-,” a spokesperson for Women said this morning.

“What about your dad? Your grandfather?”

“Oh no, them too- for sure. Ever heard of the 50s?”

As a result of their inability to behave themselves, beginning a week from this Monday, all men everywhere will be required to pick up their World-issued body cameras, which will be made available at all locations of Little Caesar’s Pizza, Modell’s Sporting Goods, and Pep Boys Auto Parts.

A spokesman for Pep Boys explained the company’s involvement, “Yea- I was real surprised by the whole #Metoo thing. It turns out men are just always the worst. And then I thought back on it, and I thought, “oh yea- men are totally the worst.” I caught one fondling a muffler in here once. And the fuzzy dice? Forget about it.”

A spokesperson from Modell’s had similar remarks about boxing gloves and tennis balls.

This attempt to hold men accountable for interactions with women promises to be a step towards victims of sexual assault being believed and supported when coming forward, rather than doubted and ridiculed instead, which had somehow become the norm.

“Remember me? I told the story about Donald Drumpf groping me on a plane?” said Jessica Leeds, who barely anyone remembers telling that story. “A lot of good that did me. That piece of shit has nuclear weapons now. In the future, when men like him have a body-cam on, we’ll just be able to turn the footage into the authorities and no longer have this situation where women aren’t believed when they come forward.”

“Good luck with that,” said former Access Hollywood host Billy Bush.

The decision came as a shock to the world’s male population of 3.75 billion, who were like,

“What I do?”

The response from the world’s female population of 3.71 billion, was,
“Kind of everything. All the time.”

Past attempts to curb men’s immature and insatiable sexual appetites have included religions, ethics, and societal norms and yet, none of those things were actual cameras that they had to wear on their bodies.

“Yea, it was weird-we thought dudes were someday just gonna wake up and realize that abusing and intimidating people was shitty behavior, but somehow it just never happened,” women said.

In addition to receiving a camera, set of 5 HD cards, and charging/uploading station, the first 5 million men at every Modell’s will also receive a Blu-ray copy of the movie Wedding Crashers, which they seem to like.

“We do like Wedding Crashers,” men said, “so I guess it won’t be so bad.”

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Trump to undergo pioneering ‘own ass extraction surgery’|Humor

Donald Trump has been rushed to hospital in Washington to undergo emergency pioneering ‘own ass extraction surgery’.

It’s understood he was taken ill in the Oval Office when drafting a raft of executive orders against some people who mildly disagree with him. Medics were called and Mr Trump was rushed to St Olaf’s Medical Centre, Washington DC.

Paramedic, Josh Clifford, first on the scene, described what he and his colleagues saw: ‘President Trump looked in a pretty bad way but we revived him by whispering the word ‘no’ in his ear which had the desired effect. He immediately leapt up and started shouting Whaddayah mean ‘NO’! I’m right. FACT. I’m the best goddamn leader the free world has ever had – TRUE. The word NO does not exist – FAKE WORD!’ We were taken aback by the force of his reaction and feared that he might have a coronary incident there and then, so we gave him a quick shot to tranquilise him and took him to the hospital.’

It is understood Mr Trump is currently in a coma but doctors are playing tape loops of his boot-licking yes men and assorted flunkies saying ‘Yes Mr President, sir’, and ‘Hail to the Chief, sir’ which appear to be keeping him in a comfortable condition. His bedside is surrounded by cardboard cutouts and portraits of himself and if his condition stabilises ahead of the operation then it is expected that his son, Don Jnr, daughter Ivanka and The First Lady may also be allowed into his room to keep vigil.

However, it remains a very tense time for the Trump family and indeed the wider world because ‘own ass extraction surgery’ has only been attempted once with somewhat limited success. Pioneering surgeon, Professor David Wilkins carried out the first operation on Jeremy Clarkson last year in an nine-hour session at Guy’s Hospital. Unfortunately, Clarkson, still widely regarded by many as a self-aggrandising pillock, has only shown signs of humility on two occasions since, so the operation by no means provides a certain cure. And experts are saying that compared to Clarkson, President Trump is now so far up his own ass that no surgeon, no matter how gifted, will ever be able to get him out.

Chipchase

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Fart in a Jar Prank Unappreciated by Coworkers|Humor

EVANSVILLE, IN – A local man’s “fart in a jar” office prank was not well received by his coworkers.

“I just wanted to make people laugh, you know, and I thought it would be funny if I went and I took one of them jars in the cafeteria and I farted in it, sealed it back up and gave it to one of my coworkers to open,” said Gabe Ritter. “I thought it’d be funny when my coworkers opened the jar, thinking it was cookies or something and it was actually a fart. It should have been funny. But I guess my coworkers don’t like farts.”

After opening the jar that contained a fart, Ritter’s coworkers were unanimously repulsed.

“Who the fuck farts in a jar and then brings it to you to open,” said Ritter’s coworker, Ted Lewis. “I don’t want to smell farts. No one wants to smell farts. Especially when you are expecting delicious cookies. Not a good prank. Not a good prank at all.”

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Does this Panda Hold the Key to Faster-Than-Light Travel?|Humor

The internet has been going crazy with theories that this panda may be capable of faster-than-light speed travel.

ATLANTA, GA – The internet has been going crazy with speculation that Ya Lun, a Giant Panda at the Atlanta Zoo, may hold the key to faster-than-light (FTL) space travel.

Interest in the Panda and FTL travel started earlier this month when an Instagram user posted a photo of Ya Lun with the caption “Dis panda is cute af!!!! I think it moving faster thn lite which should be impossibel. [sic]”

That Instagram post went viral almost immediately and was posted on several other sites including Reddit and 4chan.

“The whole post doesn’t make any sense,” said blogger, LadyCrimson9123 in the comments section of a related Reddit post. “The panda is cute, but is it so cute that it’s traveling faster than light? I mean to do that, the panda would have to have a cuteness quotient of about 22.64 and really, I would rate it at no more than 18.87, at most. But maybe it is possible. ”

As the post popularity increased people began posting comments suggesting that it might be possible for the panda to travel faster than the speed of light.

“I totally think that it’s possible for the panda to achieve FTL travel,” said Reddit user, StinkFingerPete. “With the black and the white of the panda’s fur, as the panda gains momentum, the colors would combine and cancel each other out. This would in turn create a singularity in the visual spectrum that would open up a worm hole that could, theoretically mind you, allow the panda to achieve FTL speeds. Of course you would need to get the panda going about mach-2 to get the colors to combine, and you know, that would probably cause it’s cute little head to implode. But imo it could be done.”

When asked if it is possible that Ya Lun could hold the key to FTL travel, Cornell University Astrophysics professor Freda Quinn said simply “no, that’s fucking stupid. It’s a fucking panda.”

“Pandas are not smart creatures,” Quinn said. “You can look at it this way, President Trump is smarter than your average panda breast, and I’ll tell you, he’s borderline retarded. And I don’t mean retarded like your cousin Jimmy who once drank a six pack and tried to make his F-150 float. I mean that his intelligence is I the same par as a fence post. But he’s at least smarter than a panda. Sop no, panda, not Trump for that matter, are not the key to FTL travel.”

Despite the dismal from the actual scientific community, many internet users are trying to plot ways to test out the panda/FTL hypothesis.
“I’ve set up a Go Fund Me page in order to raise the money that we need to run a few tests,” said Reddit user Putitinmybuttandcallmefartmouth341. “I figure that we’ll need about 350 billion dollars to get this thing of the ground. We’re off tho a good start too. Both my mom and grandma pledged four dollars each so now we just need $ 349,999,999,992 till we reach our goal. We’ve got 20 days left so that should be totally easy.”

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Parents prepare to tell kids Toys ‘R’ Us doesn’t exist|Humor

Millions of parents are set to face an awkward conversation this Christmas as they reveal to their kids that the retail giant Toys ‘R’ Us is not real.

Though its full origins are shrouded in mystery, it is thought the toy conglomerate as we know it today derived from stories of Saint Geoffrey, a fourth century priest who was well-known for distributing items to the poor within a competitive price structure. He was later killed when rival cleric Bishop Walmart stretched his neck on a rack, an image which still persists in depictions of him today. This altercation led to his recognition as the first “Walmartyr”.

In death, he was hallowed by the Catholic Church as the heavenly saint of commerce and retail parks, and stories of him persisted as yuletide legends, such as his predilection for collating lists of “rich” and “poor” children. In modern times, the store has become a fixture of the Christmas period, featured in such traditions as finding the parking space, the denial of exorbitant items, and the wailing of the many.

One parent told us: “They have an inkling that something’s amiss. They’re starting to ask questions like ‘what’s a Chapter 11 bankruptcy notice?’ and ‘how can Toys ‘R’ Us continue as an entity when faced with a global move toward online sales?’. In the past, we’ve been able to just pass it off as ‘magic’, but children have to eventually learn the truth about the manufacture/profit ratio.”

“It seems such a shame to have to break it to them”, continued the parent. “I guess we all want to believe in the existence of licenced imported products at low ,low prices.”

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Ten Ways to Make Yourself More Efficient at Work|Humor

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – With the job market becoming increasingly competitive, being a good employee that works hard and works efficiently is more important than ever. Companies are always looking to reduce waste and get as much out of employees as legally possible so replacing below average, or even average employees with super-efficient robots is easier than ever.

To help our readers to not get replaced by robots, The Scoop News has contacted several efficiency experts and asked them for the 10 best tips anyone can take to make sure they are as efficient at work as possible.

Tie yourself to your desk
“It’s simple, really, if you can’t get up from your desk you will just keep working,” said Working It Magazine editor, Carole Anderson. “You can tie your shoe laces to your office chair, or tie your waist to your desk or even get one of those professional sex dungeon BDSM kits and really strap yourself down to your work station – whatever it takes to keep you at your desk and working.”

Get an IV and catheter inserted into your body
“Companies lose a lot of money every time an employee gets up for a drink or to go to the bathroom,” said business efficiency consultant, Jack Hitchcock. “So if you want to be viewed as reliable and efficient as an employee, you’ll need to make sure you are not going to the bathroom or getting up from your desk for water. The best way to do that is to get a personal IV drip and a catheter. You get those and you won’t need to drink anything and you won’t need to get up to pee. Of course if you have to make a doodee you’ll still need to get up. And I wouldn’t recommend getting a colostomy bag because that’s just fucking gross. No one, not even managers, want someone sitting there and making doodees at their desk. Yuck!”

Identify inefficient coworkers and work just a little bit harder/better than them
“One thing to really remember is that you don’t have to be the best – you just shouldn’t be the worst,” said Anderson. “So look around your office and find the people that are slackers, the other employees that do the same job as you but don’t do it as well. Identify those people and work just a little bit harder than them. That way, when management comes around looking for employees to replace with robots they will skip past you and go straight to the worst of your area. But just know that once the worst have been replaced by robots you will need to identify the new worst employee and work harder and better than them. You need to make sure you always know who the worst employee is. The good thing is that it’s usually Steve. Every office has a Steve and they’re almost always the worst.”

Do whatever your boss tells you, no matter what it is
“If your boss comes to you and asks you to do something you need to do it!” said Harvard Business Professor, Robert McCann. “If you ever, ever say ‘no’ to your boss you’ve pretty much signaled to them that you aren’t a team player. So it doesn’t matter what they ask you to do you need to do it. Even if they ask you to do things that aren’t in your ‘job description.’ If you are a Business Analyst and your boss asks you to clean the shitter… you go clean that shitter! Never, ever say ‘no’ to something your boss asks you to do or you will come in the next day and find yourself replaced by a robot. Oh, and don’t join a union. Unions protect employees from this type of thing and companies hate it when you join a union.”

Be concise and polite
“When someone asks you to do something make sure you don’t go on and on and waste time with unnecessary words,” said McCann. “Be polite and be quick. Stick to ‘yeah bitch, totally’ as a response. ‘Yeah bitch, totally’ is only four syllables and that is a very efficient sentence. And everyone likes to be called ‘bitch’. In the business world there isn’t a better term of endearment.”

Use urine to clean workstation and breakroom
“Saving the company money is a great way to be efficient,” said Hitchcock. “One great way to save a company money is to reduce the cost of cleaning supplies and janitorial staff. Not a lot of people know this but urine is a great cleaning tool. So use your urine to clean your workstation and the breakroom. And make sure, after you do clean everything with your urine, tell everyone in your office. It doesn’t do you any good to save the company money by using your urine to clean everything if no one knows about it.”

Do speed, lots of speed
“Working faster and working longer will make you more efficient and more valuable so do speed. Lots and lots of speed,” said Anderson. “Speed helps you get things done. Speed also keeps you up so use that. I guess it doesn’t have to be speed but use whatever you need to to speed up and stay up. But speed is great. It’s cool. Coke is good too. Yeah, coke or speed.”

Force your spouse and children to work at the same place you do so you don’t have to go home to see them
“If your spouse and your kids all work at the same place as you do, you don’t need to go home, you know?” said McCann. “Get your kids jobs in the mailroom and your spouse a job wherever – just make sure it’s all at the same company you work. Then, if you want to see them you can just go down to the mailroom.”

Amputate all fingers except for index and thumb
“Typos reduce efficiency. You can reduce typos by cutting off the extra fingers that you don’t need,” said Hitchcock. “Typo are made by your extra fingers hitting the wrong keys. So if you just use your thumb and index finger you will be much more precise and efficient with your typing.”

Report coworkers
“This one is a no brainer. If you see your coworkers doing something that isn’t efficient or isn’t in the company’s best interest, report them immediately,” said Anderson. “There is a misconception that ‘no one likes a narc’ but that is not true in business. Managers love narcs. Love narcs. So if you see someone doing something they maybe shouldn’t immediately report that person and then get back to work. Why? Why report that person? Because fuck them, that’s why.”

The Scoop News

Washington dog pound mutts breath sighs of relief after Trump snub

Following the decision by President Trump not to have a pet in the Whitehouse, Washington’s stray dog community has breathed a collective sigh of relief.

None more so than two terrified Washington dog pound residents, Coco the Mexican Chihuahua and Abdul the Afghan hound. Both have now come out of hiding, and have taken their names off the voluntary euthanasia list.

‘I would sooner choose death’, said a rabid Abdul, ‘than live with the great orange Potentate!’

The furry friends have also taken out an injunction against one junior veterinary nurse, an avid Trump supporter, who told them that the President was going to be their new daddy. She is also accused of taunting the pair by waving fluffy Trump figures at them and saying ‘SAD, SAD, SAD’, over and over again.

‘The final straw came’, said an embittered Abdul, ‘when she put a ‘Make America Great Again’ baseball cap on and inserted a thermometer up my arse without any lube shouting ‘Who’s your daddy?”.

Speaking from his new home with Lady Gaga, Abdul however, has since praised the President for giving dogs the cold shoulder. ‘As an Afghan myself, and I know Coco as a Mexican would agree, I can’t thank President Trump enough for ignoring our plight, just like he’s done with scores of issues across the World. The stress of being delivered to the White House into the tiny hands of a paranoid narcissist who has the same hair as I have has been a total nightmare.’

Coco, who has since moved to a secret address close to the Mexican border, said, ‘Casa de perro a la casa blanca? No gracias!’.

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