Superb Pluto Surpass to really re-film the whole of Star Wars, and using every role|Humor

‘If you strike me down, I will become more humble than you could ever imagine’.

‘These aren’t the presidential traits you are looking for’

Donald Trump is to spend billions on re-filming all of the Star Wars Films, and playing all of the roles. As well as his role of President, sliding the world ever closer to the abyss, and being the poster-boy for toxic masculinity he is set on re-creating one of the most beloved film franchises of all time.

He told us ‘Yes, it is so beautiful. It is going to be so good. So so good. These are good films, quality films. I will be Luke, Leia, Daryh Vader, good man, a quality man, and Jabba the Hutt….He can treat me so much about being a repulsive giant slug’.

This follows on the news that Teresa May is currently re-filming Reservoir Dogs.

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‘I will make a genuinely accomplished and kooky boundary to really enshrine Camden’ says Boris|Humor

Tory MPs broke into excited chants of ‘build the wall, build the wall’ when a hard border between Camden and the rest of London was suggested. Boris Johnson led the calls, suggesting Camden was not sending its best people to Westminster.

Donning a bright red ‘Make Westminster Grey Again’ baseball cap he said Camden was mainly sending policy analysts, marketing managers and bad street entertainers to the heart of London, and he wanted to stop any more Camden residents leaving the area in future.

Mr Johnson claimed Camden was plagued with gang violence, although he did concede it was pretty good place to occasionally score some good ‘charlie’ – or as he called it – ‘a bit of the jolly old whooshity-bosh schnizzle schnozzle’.

As the proposal began to gather strong support, many other ‘vibrant’ London suburbs were put forward as candidates for being sealed off. Peckham, where 1 in 3 residents admitted to being a member of a moped gang, topped the list. However, Tower Hamlets was rejected, as it was pointed out it has already sealed itself off from the rest of the capital.

Labour Leader Jeremy Corbyn was outraged by the suggestion that only Westminster should be protected from some of the less desirable elements of London, demanding that the nice part of Islington where he lived be heavily shielded as well.

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Down Molds Experiences Back-To-Work Blues|Humor

Gary Johnson, a blue and green mould has been depressed for a few days now, after being viciously washed off a mug.

The germ form told us ‘I had it on easy street, growing on a white mug, with plenty of sour milk in it, I was there for a couple of weeks, growing and developing nicely, a few friends were growing around me, we were having fun, and then with no notice, we are moved to another room, viciously dunked in boiling hot water, and bubbles, the last thing I remember was seeing a massive brush, scraping away at me, removing me limb from limb’.

Also depressed was Louise Gledhill, a bottle of milk that had been left out for more than a week. She said ‘There I was, safely developing some lumps, when my top was removed, and my beloved milk was poured out. I was completely gutted, let me tell you that for nothing’.

Tales like this will be happening in offices all over the country, as they realise that Gladys, who was the last one to leave the office on December 22nd forgot to do the washing up, and pour the milk away. Nobody ever says anything though, because they are all secretly scared of Gladys.

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Managing To Wrist Every University Young person In this country Which have Shoulder blade Dismissed Shell Launcher|Humor

In response to the latest FBI Investigation into Russian collusion, the White House announced today that it was signing an executive order to take effect immediately.

The only way to stop a bad guy with a gun, is with a bigger good guy with two guns, or a guy with a gun that shoots more guns.

A reporter asked the president if we could arm teachers with books and school supplies, but he was quickly wrestled to the ground by Secret Service agents and sent to Guantanamo Bay for further questioning.
When asked what any of this has to do with the Russia investigation, that reporter was also taken into custody for the sake of national security.

President Colludey McCollusionhead then stated for the record that there was absolutely, positively, no collusion, that he could recall.

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Game experience show contestant shared with he's forbidden to disregard the workspace audience's meaningless shouting|Humor

Hollywood, CA – In an unprecedented move, taping of The Price is Right has been put on hold after 34-year-old contestant Jonathan Elders failed to engage the room full of mouth-breathing spazwits who’ve been bussed in from the burbs to constantly shout useless advice.

Unlike every other contestant who’s ever appeared on the show, Elders did not turn to the screaming audience for help with a gormless expression on his face every time he had to decide which box to pick. Instead, he stood with his back to them and silently studied the display panel in a thoughtful manner. Long-time host Drew Carey stopped the show halfway through and took Elders aside to tell him he would not proceed to the next round if he continued to ignore the braying herd.

“Jonathan’s lack of engagement with the audience is ruining the atmosphere of phony excitement,” said Carey. “It’s totally unacceptable. Nobody wants to watch some guy just standing there quietly and thinking things through. The show needs a sense of high drama about it to keep the morons at home from changing channels, and this is only achieved by everyone engaging in a lot of yelling and screaming where nothing is comprehensible and in the end the contestant picks a random box out of desperation.”

Executive producer Sue Winthrop elaborated on Carey’s point.

“We screen all potential contestants to make sure they’re energetic dimwits and obviously Jonathan passed otherwise he wouldn’t have been selected, but it’s now clear he was only feigning enthusiastic stupidity. It’s vital that both the studio audience and the viewers at home feel as though they’re part of an exciting event, not just a thinly disguised hour of product placement. Companies are paying us a bung-load of money for prime time exposure so it’s our job to create a buzz around their latest consumer items. We want our viewers drooling over new cars and white goods so they go out and buy thousands of them. Jonathan’s calm, rational behavior is interfering with the mood of impulsive purchasing, and we can’t have that.”

At this stage it’s unclear whether Elders can bring himself to face the mob of gibbering blockheads or if he’ll get out while his sanity is still intact.

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Miami Tavern Possessor Influenced Into Lawsuit For Rejecting a Access to a Trans-Aged Person|Humor

image for Florida Bar Owner Forced Into Lawsuit For Denying Access to a Trans-Aged Person
Thomas Macgueleger (pictured) tells reporters the horrifying tales of the ‘chronophobic rage and hatred’ he experienced.

Larry Horowitz, a bar owner in the vacation town of Destin, FL,was forced into a lawsuit over the denial of a Trans-Aged child into a bar at a resort earlier last week. The Lawsuit Lasted just three short days and ended in a settlement of $ 12,000 for pain and suffering.

Thomas Macgueleger, born January 2005, was denied the purchase of liquor at the ‘Big Daddy Joe’s Bar and Grill’ in Destin, FL. Thomas tole the media that the Bartender refused to serve him multiple times despite him being Trans-Aged.

Last week, Macgueleger also told The Spoof’s own reporter, That Guy, in an exclusive interview that quote:

“I was treated very poorly at the bar. I was clearly denied my social justice rights. I tried to reason with the bar owner, but he was no help.”

Macgueleger also accused Mr. Horowitz of being a “Chronophobic” during last week’s interview.

As many already know, a lawsuit was filed against the bar owner and was settled at $ 12,000 paid to Macgueleger for pain and suffering in a quote “stunning victory for the social justice rights of a trans-aged individuals.”

Mr. Macgueleger told reporters that he was quote: “tired of being 12 years old” and that after a long process of thought he determined that quote: “I may be genetically 12, but I identify as 75 years old.”

Jonathan Macgueleger, Thomas’ 35 year old father, fully supports hi son’s decision to be older than him. He also said that he supports his decision to take permanent residence at the local nursing home.

Thomas’ Lawyer was not forthcoming when asked how he managed to coerce the nursing home into allowing him to reside there. More on this story as it develops.

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Conduct the The winter season Olympics Drink Sizable Turds?|Humor

image for Do The Winter Olympics Suck Large Turds?
Wheeeeee! Who cares?!

With the games drudging past the half way mark, the international enthusiasm for everyone’s favorite team is starting to wane, which has our sports reporter asking this very important question: Do the winter Olympics suck a large steaming dog turd?

“I wouldn’t like to say whether the Pyeong Chang Games are sucking an actual dog turd,” said Ester MacDunghill,” but I will say that I get all ready for an evening of Olympic action in front of the tele, and before I know it, I’m waking up on the couch the next morning. So, it puts me to sleep every time! But that’s a good thing. I have terrible insomnia from my leg gout.”

Others say that while they were all revved up for The Games before they started, now they find they can only stand so much of it until they have to find something else to do. “I sat down to watch speed-skating on Sunday, but found myself painting the inside of the kitchen cupboards a half an hour later,” admits Pete Schleppy. “I don’t know how that happened? Intense boredom, I guess? It was just so monotonous. Around and around and around…”

Others we interviewed also said that they were getting household chores done at an alarming rate during The Games without explanation, too.

“Perhaps they need to make it a bit more entertaining?” suggested Ms. MacDunghill’s husband, Morris, who’d finally got up on the roof to clean out the gutters. “Add some sharks or an alligator pit to the ski-jumping—and have the cross-country skiers shoot their riffles at each other instead, then you’ve got something!”

Mr. Schleppy was surprised at even how fast his 10-year-old daughter grew restless with the Olympics. “She couldn’t wait to see those bobsleds blazing down the shute on opening night. She was sure that it was her future calling. Now she’s begging for Doc McStuffins reruns. She even cried because there was no more chores left to be done around the house. So that’s good, I guess?”

But we found one old salty geezer who just loves it when the boring old Olympics come around every four years. “The more boring the better, I say!” cackles Bill Smudgy, the crusty old coot who owns the local hardware shop. “Nothing brings in customers like an afternoon of Olympic curling on TV!”

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‘Paper glasses and plastic ground coverings’ – Chequers cooks for Brexit Awayday|Humor

‘It could be spilt wine, it could be spilt blood, it could be much worse,’ explains Patricia Smythe who runs household affairs at Chequers, the PM’s official residence in the country. ‘Whatever the damage after today’s make or break Brexit meeting, it’s my job to secure the fabric of this government building for future Conservative governments, if there are any. But we have to face the prospect of a huge and messy split tomorrow, with disastrous effects on the carpet in the Long Room, which has only just survived the cleaning process after David Cameron’s ‘little accident’ in 2011’.

It’s understood that preparations include safe storage of any breakable crockery, the provision of flimsy wooden knives and forks, thick plastic floor coverings throughout and strict security that includes new mental detectors.  This equipment has already detected signs in David Davis, who, we understand is coming dressed as Mad Max Mosely. At least I think that’s what he said.’

St John’s Ambulance Brigade is also standing by, with special political paramedics poised to deal with a wide diversity of ‘challenging’ incidents. ‘These can range from underwear soiled in frustration or political anger, right through to fatal gunshot wounds’ said the Brigade’s local organizer Mike Smethurst.

Mr Smethurst would also neither confirm or deny that paramedics would be prepared to treat the results of alleged sexual harassment, or related conditions brought about by male after-dinner preening. One insider paramedic said his ambulance was fitted with appropriate supplies, including man sized tissues, NHS contraception supplied free by Sir Richard Branson, the morning after pill, and the morning after that pill for serious cardiac conditions brought about by alcohol, political exertion and even Anna Soubry or Nicky Morgan.’

‘Our nightmare scenario is the patient who’s suffering from Traumatic Stress brought on by the sheer animosities involved, plus alcohol poisoning, plus a physical trauma after being savagely bitten by Liam Fox. Add an act of ‘spontaneous’ sexual intercourse with Gavin Williamson on the famous musicians’ gallery, about which both participants feel thoroughly ashamed in the next day’s Daily Mail, and you have a perfect storm, ’ said the paramedic.

Theresa May told reporters, ‘after today’s awayday, our Government will be truly united and ready to deliver an effective Brexit without anyone’s hands tied behind their backs.’

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Nashville People Occasions What actually He's Def sure Is basically a Feeling|Humor

image for Nashville Man Experiences What He's Pretty Sure Is a Feeling
Parker describes his encounter with an actual feeling as “gritty and real” – and one he won’t be seeking out again.

Late yesterday afternoon, East Nashville resident Gregg Pardon experienced a markedly unpleasant tingling sensation deep in his gut, which he tentatively believes to have been a feeling.

“I can’t verify 100 percent,” stated Pardon, “but based on some stuff I’ve read – oh, and this old Kris Kristofferson tune I heard the other day – I’m pretty sure it was what’s known as a feeling.” He shook his head. “Or is it emotion? I always get those two confused.”

Pardon said that initially, when the sensation in his lower abdomen first hit him, he had no idea what to make of it. But by thinking back and mentally retracing his steps, he was able to identify the likely source of the uncomfortable stomach twinge.

“I remembered that that morning, on my way to work, I was sitting in my warm car blasting the stereo, waiting for the stoplight to change. And outside was this homeless guy in the freezing cold, cheerfully running up and down the street selling newspapers, like he was the happiest dude on the planet.”

Pardon did his best to avoid eye contact, and did not purchase a paper. “But even so, the guy flashed me a smile and gave me this enthusiastic thumbs-up.”

Smiling slightly at the memory, he added, “Yeah, the ‘feeling’ didn’t hit me ’til later, but I think it was that guy. East Nashville is gritty, man – you can’t look away.”

What did Pardon ultimately take from his unexpected encounter with what, by all indications, appears to have been a verifiable, bona fide feeling?

“I definitely appreciate the experience,” he stated. “I’d say it’s given me real emotional intelligence, and the value of that can’t be discounted.” He nodded definitively. “Facing your feelings is no joke, and, well, I faced this one head-on. I feel good about that.”

That being said, Parker noted that, based on his experience, he has concluded that he is not a fan of feelings in general and will be doing his best to avoid them in the future – even if that means going slightly out of his way.

With a wry half-grin, he added, “I’ll be driving a different way to work, if you catch my drift.”

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Hillary: The Grinch Who possibly Almost Stole Christmas|Humor

image for Hillary: The Grinch Who Almost Stole Christmas

Seattle, Washington – As reported Friday, Hillary Clinton was arrested after an altercation in a Seattle downtown department store. As part of her never ending “What Happened” book tour, she was in Seattle giving speeches, signing books, and was caught moonlighting as a department store Santa Claus to sell even more books. Dressed as Santa, she was coercing young children into asking for her book “What Happened” instead of the Christmas gifts they really wanted. All hell broke loose when a precocious, defiant, little girl resisted her suggestions and Santa begin spanking her. Store security and the local police were called to break up the fracas. Santa’s beard was pulled off during the scuffle, exposing Hillary who in turn was arrested.

Local Seattle authorities have now released some of the charges Mrs. Clinton is facing: Child Endangerment, Child Abuse, Delinquency of a Minor, and Conspiracy to Defraud. Since Seattle’s transgender laws are very liberal, she was not charged with impersonating a man. Some have speculated that the cast and moonboot she wears on her right foot, after kicking a British reporter back in October when she broke her toe, is now hiding a police angle bracelet tracking device.

Since Hillary’s arrest on Friday was her second time being apprehended for masquerading as Santa, the first occurrence last year at a New York department store, combined with the fact a minor was involved, the FBI was called in. Although the FBI gave Hillary a big pass on her illegal email server, ruining an innocent child’s Christmas is quite a different matter. After an intense, all evening grilling, Hillary finally confessed what she was up to. She admitted: “The Trumpster absolutely devastated my last Christmas and I wasn’t going to let him or any of those who voted for him get away with it this year!”.

Much as has been reported about the infamous Uranium One scandal, in which the Clintons sold out 20% of Americas uranium to a Russian backed company. Over $ 140 million poured into the Clinton Foundation in bribes from companies involved. Bill Clinton, himself, receiving $ 500,000 for a twenty minute speech in Russia promoting the deal. What hasn’t been reported is that after Hillary’s devastating loss in 2016, the Clinton Foundation begin secretly buying up coal mines in Kentucky. The Obama administration’s anti-coal policies almost devastated the coal industry and the Clintons were able to buy several mines for pennies on the dollar.

Hillary’s plan was simple, but ingenious. Use her book tour to travel around the U.S., collect names and addresses of Trump voting deplorables and use her Santa appearances to identify the real Trump degenerates who didn’t vote for her. On Christmas eve, with her army of Hillary feminists, with a little help from Antifa, sneak into Trump supporters homes. Stockings hung on the fireplace with care, would be stripped of their Christmas goodies and replaced with a lump of coal from one of the Clinton coal mines.

Although the FBI has assured the public Hillary’s plan has been thwarted, they have asked any person receiving a lump of coal in their Christmas stocking contact the FBI.

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