Decorating For Christmas: Tips from the Professionals|Humor

NEW YORK, NY – Decorating for the holidays has become competitive in many neighborhoods across the country regardless of one’s religion. Holiday decorating has become so competitive people are turning to professional decorating services to ensure they have the most holiday spirit amongst their neighbors. The Scoop reached out to decorating experts to help you decorate your house like a professional without having to sell one of more children to pay for it.

Lighting up the house
“Instead of buying expensive lights and risking your own life hanging lights from the top of a ladder, consider using natural elements to light your house – like fire. Fire has long been associated with the holidays as families have gathered around open flames during the winter holidays for generations. Songs have been written about it! So this year just light your house on fire. Your neighbors will be so jealous when they see that your house is the brightest on the block,” said professional holiday decorator, Freddy Sprinkleston. “But if you are too scared to set your house on fire maybe think about getting out of the game, because really, you’re just going to lose.”

Fake snow
“Global warming, which is fucking real by the way, will soon mean that most of the country won’t see snow. If you want to invoke that winter holiday feeling you are going to need to come up with some fake snow. One Idea I’ve used in the past is to rip the stuffing out of your children’s stuffed animals and use that to make it look like your yard has snow. Make sure you rip the stuffing out of the stuffed animals when your children are watching just to let them know you are the fucking boss and when you tell them to clean up their god damned room they need to clean their god damned room!” said Parenting Magazine Editor, Gail Westers. “The other thing about doing it in front of your kids is if you’re fast enough, and its cold enough, you can use their tears to make real snow.”

Recycle old decoration
“One thing people don’t realize is that you can just use your decorations from other holidays. So go ahead and just leave all your Halloween decorations up because they all still apply to the winter holidays. I know when I see a giant scary ghost hanging from a tree I think ‘oooh, I love Christmas.’ But if you are afraid your neighbors will think you are cheap for using other holiday decorations, just put like a santa hat on the giant spider or a menorah in the demon’s hand. No one will know the difference,” said Home Decoration Magazine editor, Carole Ann McDavidson.

Nativity scenes
“Those celebrating Christmas often inquire about setting up a nativity scene on their lawn. A really good nativity scene can be expensive so instead of buying statues, try drugging a couple homeless people and covering them in some sheets to make it look like they are wearing robs. Just know that when the drugs wear off the homeless people will probably wander away so keep an eye on them and if you see them starting to move around get out there and pump them full of more sedatives. And don’t worry about the homeless because you haven’t yet so why start now?” said Martha Stewart Magazine contributor Sarah Reardon.

Non-traditional ideas
“Don’t be afraid to think out of the box. One idea I like to suggest to my clients is to cover your house in the blood of your enemies. It’s both traditional and a little intimidating,” said Westers. “Just defeat your enemies and use their blood to write festive messages all over your house. It’s a cheap, easy thing to do that will set you apart from every other house on the block. On the flip side, depending on how many enemies you have, you might have a lot less competition on your street.”

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