Acting Prime Minister Dominic Raab has been presented with a trouser-challenging dilemma as he tremblingly steps into the shoes of the Prime Minister. It’s understood he initially warmed to the task until he had to speak for the first time to the media, when he suddenly found he could not take back control.

‘I realised how scary the task was, just minutes after I had orgasmed during a phone call with Emmanuel Macron in which he called me Prime Minister and passed on his wife’s best wishes’ Mr Raab told a press conference. ‘And this is how it went on. Like those Magnificent Men in their flying machines. Here I am, only an MP for ten years, suddenly thrust (oh god) into high office, a position where I am totally responsible for the well being of the whole nation without any experience (oh no). Clearly my power and status has had an effect on f-f-f female colleagues, (concentrate, concentrate Raab!) but then I thought supposing Trump did something crazy, like bomb Wuhan? I’d be responsible for (damn that curry!) the British military response.’

Mr Raab then went on to address the alleged lack of protective clothing, saying ‘With the kind of front and rear problems I am facing on a daily basis, the need for proper, fully safe er below the waist PPE is a must. Laura Kuenssberg and her friends must be grateful we’re having these press conferences remotely.’

He continued: ‘ My social distancing strategy has been totally re-enforced by this crisis. On the one hand, I’m the most powerful man in in Europe, no not Europe, I was going to say Europe! NOT EUROPE, NOT ANY MORE O GOD MARGARET,OH PRETTY PRITI!!!!!…

…the most powerful man about town in Great Britain, but that comes with (surely no more!) heavy responsibilities. The is a big job, and frankly I don’t know whether I’m coming or going!’

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