“The President has adapted brilliantly to using his primitive forehands to grasp burgers just long enough to toss them into his open mouthparts,” explained Sarah Sanders, the White House’s animal behaviourist and ex circus bear wrestler.
“But thankfully, the good Lord intelligently designed the President’s piggy fingers fractionally short of the length required to pick up a Big Mac, which could so easily get stuck in his gullet,” continued Ms Sanders, as she hauled Mr Trump’s gold-rimmed marble feeding-trough out into the White House’s back yard.
“So we ain’t gonna be needing the old chuck-feeder no more, and that should hopefully reduce the chances of the President drowning in his favourite McSlurry.”
According to sources too close to Mr Trump, he can still only use his even-smaller hind hands for clutching genitals, be they his own or a passing female’s.
However, some dieticians and Democrats are concerned that this sudden evolution in the President’s eating abilities will put him at greater risk of ‘fast food inflation’ – and if there’s one thing worse than a dumb pig in charge, then it’s a fat dumb pig in charge.