European Council president Donald Tusk has warned Theresa May that Brexit negotiations will be put on hold unless the UK brings some biscuits to the next meeting. Speaking in Dublin Tusk said that open discussion about trade and the Irish border question will not resume until the British negotiating team come to the table with some fresh ideas and a packet of chocolate Hobnobs.
‘Unfortunately, talks now must be a case of ‘biscuits first’’, said Tusk. ‘It is just not possible to reach agreement on the customs union and residency rights of EU citizens when there is an underlying resentment that one side is providing all the croissants. It’s hard to imagine substantive progress in negotiations without some Jaffa Cakes, or at the very least a plate full of Jammie Dodgers. If Britain wants to have its cake and eat it then it better start bringing some cake to the talks’.
However, Brexit Secretary David Davis claims that the cost of biscuits should come from the EU central budget which Britain is currently paying into. ‘We pay £350m a week into EU coffers and now we’re expected to put our hands in our pockets for biccies,’ says Davis. ‘We want a bespoke agreement on biscuits. We don’t just want custard creams we want custard creams plus plus plus’.
As behind-the-scenes talks got underway, Tusk appeared to offer an olive branch to the UK. ‘We might be open to Britain bringing biscuits to alternate meetings, said Tusk. ‘But it would have to be Wagon Wheels or Mr Kipling’s Viennese Whirls. None of your Rich Tea shit’.