An island group to the north of mainland France and south of Iceland, home to many isolated and hostile tribes, is to be given protection by the EU. The island group, called the United Kingdom is, according to anthropologists, a world unto itself, about the size of New Zealand but with squirrels instead of arboreal marsupial species. Over the past few years the islands have become a more hostile place to visit, with any foreigner daring to set foot there greeted by strange looks and angry letters addressed to the Daily Mail.

As a result, anyone wishing to discover their unique tribal cultures has been advised to take extra care. In the 2010’s the director of a National Geographic documentary took one in the shins from a disgruntled Morris dancer, performing a traditional tribal dance in a Devonshire village. No action was taken as experts concluded that any contact was detrimental to their interest and therefore they should be left alone.

It is thought that the islanders have been traumatised for the past 45 years by being ‘forced’ to live alongside people who eat snails, steal their fish and speak anything but the native tongue. However, no one has ever really discovered why they are so hostile to outsiders and why the latter still feel the need to continue to approach their shores.

A spokesman for the EU said: ‘WWhilst we agree that protected status should be put in place to protect the islands and their tribes, we are sad for their future generations who might aspire to a worldlier way of life. But, c’est la vie!’ However, in a bizarre and seemingly perpetual ritual a leading female tribal chief continues to take a stick and write ‘Brexit means Brexit’ in the sand. Language experts believe that it is a form of code, and although they have set to work on deciphering it, they don’t hold out much hope.

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