In a surprise move this week, advocates of plain English and career diplomats alike expressed support after the UK Defence Secretary told Russia ‘go away and shut up’.  Pre-school children have also heralded the move.

A senior civil servant at the MOD reflected: ‘Instructing the Russian nation to be silent and geographically relocate itself, whilst impractical, is perhaps more constructive than anything the Foreign Secretary has had to say.  Boris usually arses things up.’

After decades of nuanced diplomatic dialogue that has in the past left the population in the dark as to its impending peril from nuclear, chemical, biological and cyber warfare, Gavin Williamson’s approach is seen as more inclusive.

‘We are scrapping the archaic Defcon and security alert terms with immediate effect.  While we are not keen to see things escalate to the next stage, ‘seriously, just do one’, Cabinet Office is bracing itself for the likelihood of full-on ‘Fucketty Bye!’ sometime later this year.  It’ll take everyone’s minds off BREXIT while at the same time, no-one will have to ask the government what it means as we hurtle back towards the stone age.’

A spokesman from the Plain English Campaign today congratulated the Defence Minister for his choice of words describing Gavin Williamson as a ‘bulbous salutation’ and an ‘egregious bellend’.

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