The government has admitted that the new Centre for Climate Repair at Cambridge University is actually led by a consortium of James Bond villains who have convinced politicians to hand out more than one million pounds for so-called “geo-engineering research” or else climate change “will destroy the world.”

Solutions proposed include spraying seawater at clouds to make them reflect more light into space, a giant freeze-o-ray powered by all the UK’s fridges to preserve polar icecaps, nuking China and/or the USA, and strapping Donald Trump to a table and cutting him up with lasers. Scientists said the connection between the latter measure and slowing climate change was not yet proven, but it was definitely worth trying anyway.

“I know some of this seems far-fetched” said the Centre’s director Professor Blofeld, speaking from his platinum-plated ‘Atlantic research station’ in an undisclosed seabed location near the Azores, “but what’s the alternative? Introduce clean transport, stop flying to Florida for the weekend, and insulate people’s homes properly? That’s unthinkable!”

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