Having previously told news reporters he would never sign for Premier League football giants Manchester United because he hated them, Harry Maguire has now had ‘second thoughts’, and signed for the Reds on Monday, for a ridiculous £97million.

Maguire the former Sheffield United, Hull City, and Leicester City brick shithouse, commented, last year, that, just like most other football fans, he could not stand the sight of the famous red jerseys, or bear to listen to stories of United’s past exploits. They made him:

“want to puke!” he said.

Now, however, with an England career already a reality, and the opportunity to earn ‘silly money’, Maguire has decided that, maybe it would be worth ‘gritting his teeth’ and putting up with a spell at the Theatre of Dreams, for the sake of his future financial security. He laughed:

“Look, I know I’m a bit of a lumbering carthorse, but if these morons are willing to chuck their stupid money my way, why shouldn’t I grab it? Players’ careers aren’t always as long as they’d like, and this move will be money in the bank for me and my family. Money always comes in useful.”

But what about the pain, the stomach-churning thought of having to pull on the red shirt, and turn out for the Urinals every week? Maguire said:

“Well, you can’t have everything! Nothing’s perfect, and the dosh is pretty reasonable. I’ll put up with it, for now.”

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