The head of the country’s influential National Association of Hermits has announced sweeping new measures aimed at tackling the spread of Covid-19.
Speaking from his secret HQ on the Isle of Wight, leading hermit Paul Toombs said: ‘With immediate effect, all of our members will be asked to self-isolate, and place appropriate levels of plastic sheeting across their cave entrances.’

This follows a spate of reports last week that some hermits had gone rogue. After footage emerged on the short-form mobile video platform, TikTok of some members mixing in mass gatherings of two people, Mr Toombs added that he simply had no choice. The first 15-metre rolls of plastic sheeting should arrive outside the nation’s caves by Monday morning.

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