A high profile Premier League footballer has revealed his desire to come clean about his middle class roots.
He told Gary Lineker: ‘I thought I had muddied the waters enough by having football cliché and anti-elocution lessons to learn me how to speak well-proper like my team-mates and that. And when I’m talking in the dressing room about my family, my wife, Portia, and our two boys Piers and Rupert, I call them Chardonnay, Buster and Spike.’
‘The fear of being found out is dreadful,’ he continued. ‘Whenever the team coach stops at a services with a Waitrose, I sneak in to buy a sparkling Elderflower Cordial Pressé, as I can just about hide it in my joggers. But I know this charade can’t continue.’
‘Once I accidentally let my guard down and bought the Daily Telegraph onto the coach. But fortunately when I realised what I had done I had the presence of mind to pass it off as “emergency toilet paper” and was spared. Another time when I suggested a few rubbers of Bridge during a pre-match card school, I pretended to have a violent coughing-fit to cover it up’ Luckily the lads all laughed and thought I’d been taking the piss.”
But as the pressure builds the player suspects some of his teammates are becoming suspicious of him. ‘Yesterday one tried to honey trap me by starting a conversation on the pros and cons of a delivered vegetable box. I was about to weigh in on seasonal vegetables, but I bit my tongue.’
kabirgaryali / Midfield Diamond
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