Britons are to be given a long-awaited chance to leave the Eurovision Singing Bloc after years of humiliation and under-performance. It will be a simple In/Out referendum with hard-core singing strongholds of the UK such as Wales expected to be those most in favour of leaving. Areas with the largest concentration of self-indulgent tossers who like to attend ironic Eurovision parties, such as London, are expected to be strongly ‘Eurovision Remain.’
Leading Eurovisonexit campaigner Mary Kilburn said it was time the UK left and started singing in contests with countries that don’t hate us, and might give us more than zero points. Asked which countries she was thinking of Ms Kilburn replied ‘…Er…um.’
Prime Minister May, a staunch Eurovision Remainer said the annual singing contest brought joy to millions. ‘Admittedly none of these millions live in the UK, but that’s not the point. We need to remain in the Eurovision Contest as it’s great for Britain. And besides, Graham Norton’s commentary is really funny. I like how he takes the piss out of all those European weirdos. I mean Moldova? You can’t be serious!’
Eurovision’s biggest fan Jean-Claude Juncker said Britain would be sorry if she pulled out. ‘If the UK deprives the rest of Europe its yearly chance to give them zero points and laugh at their useless song, we’ll make them regret it. Besides, they have no idea what to do with the troublesome “Irish question.” But if you ask me, it’s simple. I’d have Jedward shot.’
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