Candidates for the leadership of the Labour Party will forced to undergo a series of ordeals to test their socialist purity.  They will dumped in a lake of media of lies, if they float they are a Blairite and if they sink, they are a useless commie who can not come with a half way decent answer on the anti-Semitism issue.

Members will not be looking for a pointy hat or warty nose but they will insist that candidates can sing the Red Flag, backwards in Latin, while dancing with Goody Proctor.  They will be further stripped and publicly checked for blemishes, unusual birthmarks or tattoos of Clause Four.

At the same time, Jess Phillips stated that it was misogynistic to have a male on the shortlist, ruling our Keir Starmer.  She further explained that it was classist to have anyone from London, thus excluding Emily Thornberry.  She said short candidates were simply wrong, banning Rebecca Long-Bailey. Then concluded that it was racist to have anyone not called Jess, finally cancelling Lisa Nandy.

The final test involves laying a wreath at the cenotaph; where no matter how you lay the wreath, you will be stoned to death by The Daily Mail.

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