Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has announced plans to create a new day of the week on commencement of a Labour government. Bennday, named after the pipe-smoking left-wing politician from the internet, Tony Benn, will fall between Sunday and Monday as an official ‘day of contemplation and progressive hobbies’.

The new day will effectively extend the weekend, or ‘Bennbreak’, as it will be called, from two to three days, offering additional opportunities for ordinary working people to potter about on the allotment, make jam and ferment the downfall of Capitalism.

Shadow Minister for Maths, Diane Abbott, told us: ‘Much has been made of our radical plan to reduce the length of the working week from five to four days, with some questioning the possible effects this may have the NHS and other important public services. We are not as a party above listening to criticism and adapting our plans to be practical in the real world, and for this reason, we have now dropped our early policy in favour of our new policy of extending the weekend to three days. This will, of course, add an additional 52 days per year, or ‘progressive epoch’, resulting in, for an average person, 4,212 additional days, or 11 years to their lifespan – a considerable achievement only made possible by radical but pragmatic Socialist policies’.

Pressed on further details of the proposal, Abbott clarified that Christmas will become a ‘movable feast’ declared on the onset of snow (except in snowless years in which will result in a rollover), and Bank Holidays will be heavily taxed, while for Pancake Days ‘anything goes’. However, Abbott downgraded her earlier plan to extend the week indefinitely to achieve a state of near-immortality to an ‘aspiration’.

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