Turkeys who will be consumed by Thursday night
WASHINGTON, Nov. 22 — In a joke-filled pre-Thanksgiving ceremony at the White House yesterday afternoon, President Trump continued a much-beloved American tradition and forgot to pardon approximately 51,649,998 turkeys.
While USA Today estimates that 51,650,000 turkeys will be consumed this Thanksgiving, Drumstick and Wishbone, two turkeys who had the good fortune to be randomly pardoned, will spend the rest of their lives at Gobbler’s Rest on the campus of Virginia Tech, and, unlike the identical remaining 51,649,998 turkeys, will not be confined, selectively bred, artificially inseminated, overfed, debeaked, electrocuted, disemboweled and dismembered because people particularly desire to eat their corpses in abundance on a specific day of the year. The pardoned turkeys were unable to comment due to the pressure of their genetically-enhanced breasts on their lungs; they were last seen trying unsuccessfully to hold themselves upright.
This is the 29th year in row in which a president has pardoned two randomly chosen turkeys for the non-crime of being turkeys but forgot to pardon approximately 51,649,998 other turkeys for the same non-crime.