After failing to Make America Great Again, Donald Trump has moved to Plan B – Make Turds Shine Again.

“People said it couldn’t be done, you can’t polish a turd”, the President said. “But I’ve built a career on polishing turds. Coronavirus? Great success! Making Mexico pay for the wall? A triumph! I can polish literally any turd”.

Republicans hope that this new message will be more achievable, and preferable to Option C: Make America Even Shitter. The previous mission – to make America great again – resulted in riots, teargas, a hundred thousand dead from Covid and the White House under siege, resembling the funeral scene in Father Ted when Dougal was inadvertently left in charge for the afternoon. It isn’t clear whether the character of Dougal was based on Donald or vice versa.

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