Golden brown, texture like scum

A new year, and a new beginning were the sentiments expressed by one man this morning, as Tony Chudworth made it his New Year's resolution to clean out his earholes 'more often than in the past'.

On paper, this doesn't mean very much. Chudworth has a poor record in 'ear hygiene', having last excavated his ear canals in 2016, and only then because he had earache.

But, according to his girlfriend, Stella, he is determined to alter his ways. Stella:

"He's a bit lazy when it comes to his lugholes. Often, he can't hear me, and I have to shout. There's a whole crop of taties growing in those ears! He says he's determined, but he'll never change! I still love him, though!"

Tony's mom, 71-year-old Maisie, laughed:

"He's a filthy brute! I used to get my knitting needles, and poke them down the holes to get all the wax out. You should've seen it! It reminds me of that 80s song by The Stranglers: 'Golden Brown'. He should be ashamed of himself, the tramp!"

Tony, himself, agreed to be interviewed, but couldn't hear the slightest bit of what was being said to him.

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