There were raised eyebrows all over the northwest this morning, as news began to filter through to the grey and grimy slums, cobbled streets, and endless ramshackle 2-up-2-down back-to-back terraced houses, that the world’s favourite football team, Manchester United, had approached one of their former players, Eric Cantona, to try to save them from oblivion.

The gap between United and the potential title contenders is apparent, and one thing they lack is a ‘Cantona’, a hardworking player who possesses technical skill and creativity, along with strength and a proven goalscoring ability. As well as a knowledge of Kung Fu, of course. But he doesn’t play football anymore.

Cantona won four League titles with United, before hanging up his boots and taking up acting. Now, at 53 years old, it seems the way may be open for a return to the scene of his former glories as manager of the beleaguered Old Trafford club.

Cantona has no football management experience, but this is nothing, as current boss, Ole Gunnar Solskjaer does have experience, and just look what a fucking mess he’s making of the job. One fan said:

“Solskjaer hasn’t got a clue. How much worse could King Eric possibly be?”

United are currently in eighth spot in the league, and their visit to Chelsea on Monday could see them slip even further.

Harry Maguire was unavailable for comment.

An announcement is expected soon.

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