The UK Metrological office has today warned that the national Paraffin-Flavoured Chicken index may reach a record high this weekend and have increased their usual summer weekend PFC Warning from “Moderate” to the maximum “Very High”.

“It’s just a perfect storm” commented a Met Office spokesman this afternoon. “We’re forecasting one of the hottest days of the year on Saturday and it’s the first decent weekend most of us have seen since last summer. That means that hardly anyone has had their barbeques out in the last 11 months, the old charcoal will be damp, they’ll have forgotten how much lighter fluid to use and the kids will all be way too impatient to wait the recommended 14 hours between lighting the grill and actually cooking anything.”

Supermarkets have been stocking up for the expected influx of barbeque shoppers on Saturday morning but have also been laying in extra customer-service staff for the next couple of weeks in readiness. “We do find an upsurge in complaints about our products after high PFC weekends,” confirmed a spokeswoman for the Co-op, “particularly about chicken and white-fish, which don’t have much flavour of their own and bring out the aroma of the petroleum particularly well. We’ll probably see a peak in complaints on Monday and then again around Thursday when the others are discharged from hospital”.

The one range of products which Asda are confident will not see an increase in complaints next week is their new “JargerQ” range of meat and vegetable products marinated in Jagermeister. “This was the brainchild of one of our marketing guys” commented one employee who asked not to be named, “and frankly it’s genius! Make it taste like it’s been dipped in diesel-oil already and no bugger can ever tell the difference!”

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