Millions flock to Jersey after island officially declared ‘paradise’|Humor

Hordes of British holidaymakers have cancelled planned excursions to the Caribbean, Maldives and Fiji after a report has branded the island of Jersey ‘paradise’, despite a long run of Trip Adviser reviews to the contrary.

The island’s new status was revealed in the so-called Paradise Papers, a comprehensive list of the destinations most favoured by the rich and famous, which put Jersey alongside Bermuda, the Cayman Islands and the Isle of Man. The report described the island as ‘the best kept secret of the super-rich’, and ‘ideal for a last-minute diversion, attracting such luminaries as Bono, the Duke of Westminster and the Queen’.

The Jersey Tourist Board have been quick to exploit the island’s new found promotion, with its web site now redefining the island as an ‘atoll’, boasting: ‘This remote sun-kissed haven, a short boat ride from its twin island of Guernsey, is as yet virtually untouched by civilisation. An essential port of call for daily cruise ships, Jersey is a bespoke destination for the sophisticated traveller: explore the island’s many natural wonders in our zoo, mix with the well-to-do in the Nigel Mansell Museum, or revive yourself in our Olympic-sized Lagoon (closed Sundays).’

One traveller said: ‘I was initially so-so about the Channel Islands as an holiday excursion, but that was before I knew billionaires were practically throwing their money at the place. Others were attracted by the sheer number of much-loved celebrities who like to spend their easy-earned money in Jersey and other British dependencies, such as Lewis Hamilton, Nicole Kidman, Harvey Weinstein and, er, the cast of Mrs Brown’s Boys.

However, travellers have been warned to expect one of the highest concentrations of murders in the world for such a small land mass, a rate that is second only to the area around Midsomer Norton in Somerset. Although local sleuth Jim Bergerac has been praised for his efforts at stemming criminality, criticism for his abject failure in detecting mass corporate tax evasion under his nose has led to a return to alcoholism for the detective.

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