New Study Successfully Compares Apples and Oranges (Spoiler Alert: Apples Win!)|Humor

Contravening the age-old adage that apples and oranges are inherently too different to compare, a groundbreaking new study published by the Johnny Appleseed Association reported that when considered side by side, based on a number of relevant factors, apples far exceed oranges when it comes to health benefits, lifestyle convenience, and sheer enjoyability.

Said JAA Director Lucie Graves, “Our completely impartial study revealed that oranges aren’t all bad; they can reduce muscle soreness during intensive exercise, and they’re certainly very helpful in treating scurvy.”

“That being said,” she continued, “the nutritional benefits of oranges, while glaringly bright and ostentatious, and even garish, paled in comparison to those of apples.”

Graves when on to explain that apples, which are loaded with potent antioxidants, are nutritional superstars when it comes to reducing inflammation, enhancing immunity, and cutting cancer risk. And the JAA study corroborated previous research demonstrating that eating even a single apple a day, significantly reduces risk of breast cancer, oral cancer, and cancer of the larynx – to name just a few.

“Apples also won out in terms of convenience, a critical factor amongst the hustle and bustle of modern-day life,” noted Graves. "In contrast to the messy, drippy peeling process that’s a must with oranges, apples not only don't require any peeling whatsoever, but the skin of apples is enormously health-promoting. The phytonutrients in apple skins have been shown to fight free radicals, prevent cancer and diabetes, reduce unpleasant menopausal symptoms, and even boost sex drive in women."

She added, "And believe me, I would know!"

Graves also stated that the JAA study was careful to take into account the many intangible benefits of apples as reflected in common folk wisdom. She rattled off some well-known sayings: "How ‘bout them apples?" "An apple a day keeps the doctor away." "Another bite at the apple."

"In other words," Graves summarized, "it’s no secret that apples rock. In fact, I, myself, ate six today – and I was happy to do it. No doctors are coming anywhere me!"

Turning coy, she grinned and waggled her ring-less left hand. "Well, at least for medical reasons.”