A 52 to 48 majority of passengers on board a flightworthy aircraft have voted to turn the controls off, but cannot yet agree what they want to happen after. The vote was won because some passengers felt left behind, in as much as some of the baggage handlers looked, well, dark-skinned and that one day in the future the plane might spontaneously break and plummet to the ground, for all anyone knows.
However, the jubilation was short-lived after proponents of turning the controls off then said tis was a mandate for everyone to jump out of the plane at cruising height without parachutes. Fears were exacerbated when the pilot stuck the plane on autopilot and immediately bailed out, taking the last parachute. ‘We were told we were voting to glide safely into an airport, sell the plane for £39 billion and get one of those shiny American planes,’ said one disappointed voter. ‘Now we’re told that wasn’t actually promised and no-one can agree what to do instead.’
A replacement pilot was voted in to turn off the engines, land the plane safely and see about getting a smaller, slower plane they could eventually control by themselves. However, it appears that she will now be voted out. ‘She says it’s reckless to jump with no parachute,’ said a leading ‘Jump’ activist, ‘but there’s probably loads of bigger planes below us we can free-fall onto and commandeer and that go faster than the old plane. You’re doing down Britain if you think we can’t.’
In response to concerns from medical experts that the planes might not be there, or be quite hard to land on he said: ‘I think we’ve had enough of experts. If the planes aren’t there, we’ll outpace this lumbering craft under our own steam on foot … Oh, you meant you were concerned we’d fall splat to our deaths? Nonsense, that’s just Project Fear. If we hit the ground, we’ll hit the ground running.’
A majority of the passengers want to keep the controls on, but calls for a second vote are being resisted by kindly souls who are afraid of people getting their hopes up for nothing. ‘Be careful what you wish for,’ said one such conscientious campaigner. ‘You’ll probably lose again and then we’ll just fight ourselves into a stalemate again. Either way, a new referendum won’t heal our divisions, like the first one was going to. We just have to jump and make the best of it.’