Despite having been ensconced in a womb for 9 months until very, very recently, it would appear that every single person on the internet is taking a break from snarking at each other to blame the poor little sod for something.

Angry climate change activists have taken to Twitter to declare the expansion of the Royal Family to be more damaging than single-use plastics and global organisations pumping chemical sludge into the sea combined, with one member of Extinction Rebellion hammering his Caps Lock key so hard the irony flew away tweeting: ‘THE ROYALS DON’T CARE ABOUT THE FUTURE OF THIS PLANET AT ALL, SHOULD HAVE USED A CONDOM.’

Guardian commentators have been lining up to blog about their hot takes on the royal baby being the cause of a national quinoa shortage, whilst readers of the Mail Online blame the baby -who has not yet been publicly named – for making ‘silly foreign names’ popular. Not wanting to be left out, even the Financial Times got in on the act, swivelling the pointing finger from Brexit to 7lb 3oz cherub for weakening the pound overnight.

Whilst MPs across the political spectrum have been falling over each other to be publicly seen congratulating the new parents, there has been an email leak from the Conservative party in which Jacob Rees-Mogg appears to be suggesting the newest addition to the royal family is to blame for the terrible WiFi in the House of Commons. This accusation comes as a shock in particular because not one person in the UK was aware that Rees-Mogg had ever heard of WiFi.

When pressed for comment, a palace representative rubbed his temples and said ‘Baby Sussex doesn’t appear to be very forthcoming with an opinion on all of this. That’s probably because – and please do excuse me for this – he’s fucking two-days-old.’

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