The government has announced that schools will remain closed to children, but will reopen from next Monday to teach adults some basic techniques that will help combat the virus. A spokesperson said that this measure was urgently needed, which is why we are waiting 6 days to implement it so that none takes it seriously.

The curriculum will include:

– measuring 2 metres, and estimating it in supermarket trolley lengths. Clue – it’s longer than the trolley;

– multiplying by 2, or “doubling” as it is also called. Sample question: if 1000 people have the virus and the number doubles every week, how many people will die from it if you delay doing anything about it for 3 weeks?

– facial anatomy, or where your nose and mouth are and how to cover them;

– the difference between indoors and outdoors, and why the latter is better ventilated. Practical sessions will introduce the concept of ‘walls’, and illustrate the difference they make to air flow using a giant fan and a bucket of mucus;

– the germ theory of disease, and why covid-19 is not spread by 5G, the illuminati, witchcraft or maladorous vapours. The latter just means you’ve eaten too much leftover turkey.

In order to ensure that Britain continues to enjoy the standards of government to which it has become accustomed, private schools will have their own curriculum. This will include how to finance and build a covid-secure rural hideaway in County Durham, and a handy list of Latin quips for every occasion, but naturally nothing whatsoever about anything as common as medicine.

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