Crusaders for Scottish independence have issued grateful thanks to Sassenach cultural attaché Boris Johnson for spurring support for their campaign new heights. Pollsters have struggled to keep up with the wave of burning Union Jacks following the PM’s tattie-pelted tour of carefully selected Scottish haggis farms, bagpipe distilleries and thistle weavers.The only remaining Union-supporting voters left north of the border are now thought to be Malcolm Rifkind, Prince Philip and an English bull terrier called Norris.

Deep-fried Maltesers artisan and previously ardent Anglophile Sam MacJenson said: ‘I support Plymouth Argyle, import Yorkshire tea and exchange scone recipes with members of the Sussex Crown Green Bowls League. I always holiday in Cleethorpes for the sheer showbiz glamour, although we were tempted by Barnard Castle for next year. But hearing Boris Johnson blathering on about Bonnie Prince Bedfordshire and Better Tokilter has finally made me see ginger. I’ve cancelled my subscription to English Country Dancing and tattooed the saltire on my forehead. See ye at Bannockburn, Jonny.’

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