It’s 1776 and the American colonists have had enough of the British Crown.
It’s time to secede.
Thomas Jefferson writes King George III the following memo:
“Your Highness, we have a lot of grievances and have prepared a Declaration of Independence. (See attached).
But to make a long story short, we Americans are ready to go our own way and we’ve decided on seceding from England.
We don’t want war. We’re not seeking a “Revolution” (as future Americans will mistakenly call it) since we have no interest in taking away your Crown.
We wish you the best in governing England in the future. Perhaps we can even do business with you. But we no longer wish to be English colonies.
Just to be clear, we’re not interested in a Civil War either, as we have no designs on sending troops across the Atlantic to take over the British government. We’re going to stay right here, and we hope that your troops stay right there, with you.
Again, best of luck, but we just want out.
Please take this note, along with the attached Declaration of Independence, as the official secession of the 13 independent colonies in America.”
“Tom, thanks for writing, but that’s not going to work for us over here.
I know you’re a smart guy, so your knowledge of history should come in handy. You know very well that Power never likes to give up its vassals.
You guys are a cash cow, and there’s a lot of potential with that big continent of yours. As you grow, we want to have our hands in your pockets the whole way through. We’re your partner, you know that.
So the short answer is NO to your secession.
But I can see from your Declaration that there’s an odd desire for Liberty that has infected all of you. I don’t know what you guys are reading, but I’ll tell you right now that it’s all fake news. You’ve never had it so good.
So how about, in lieu of your secession, we make a “deal.”
The first part of the deal is we want you to pay us $ 50 million. That’s your penalty for even thinking of secession. You should know better.
Next, going forward, you will remain under English command, but to make you feel like you’ve left, you’ll no longer have a say as to what our rules and regulations on you will be.
You can think of yourselves as being out the door….but not really.
Finally, please tell Patrick Henry, Samuel Adams, Thomas Paine and the rest of your band of traitors to take a hike.
Do we have a deal?
Talk it over with your people and get back to me.