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The always amiable and jovial President Donald Trump has announced the US will be pulling all US troops out of Russia starting at the end of February. At a press conference on Wednesday afternoon the President said the following:

“It is time to get our men and women back from Russia”. Trump started. “They have been there too long”.

When a reporter interrupted and claimed the US had no troops in Russia, Trump snapped back:

“Fake news, all fake news. The US has troops in Russia and has had them there since 2000. I know this is a fact because I was told so by Alex Jones”, the President continued. “By the way revoke this man’s press pass. To let everyone know the troops are in Russia to protect Russia from an attack by Katzenstein. You know the people of Katzenstein have all those nuclear missiles hidden in their yurts”.

“Some of these troops have been in Russia since 2000. They haven’t seen their families in all this time. As a matter of fact, one such soldier only got to meet his son who was born before his deployment in 2000 when his son himself was deployed to Russia as being a part of the US army. He brought his father one of his mother’s homemade cheese cakes. The father was very appreciative. He even gave his son a slice of it”.

“The situation in Russia has become more direr”, Trump continued. “They are about to have a civil war and we don’t want our troops in harm’s way”.

When Putin was enlightened on Trumps press conference, Putin was shocked that there were any US troops in Russia or that there was a civil war brewing. He claimed he would use the US troops to subjugate his political foes while the troops were still in Russia.

As of press time Trump announce that the US would, also, be removing all US troops stationed in Canada.

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