In what some are calling a classic rookie mistake of counting your poker face before the chips have bolted, the UK is telling anyone who might be listening that it really, really wants to have a trade deal with the US without first pretending that it would be like totally cool if it had no deal with the US.

Since the UK’s new and improved Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, has shown the EU exactly who is boss – by figuratively waving a loaded shotgun in the general direction of his meat and two left feet – observers are confused as to why the same cunning tactic is not being used by the UK in any of its other international trade negotiations.

The prime spokes-minister for the Vote Leave team said: “Well, umm, yes, my saucy poppet Dom … ahh, I mean Carrie, has reminded me several times to phone President Trump since we’ve moved into old Number Tenners, and it seems that I’ve agreed to swallow a bargain bucket of diseased and chlorinated chicken giblets in order to make absolutely certain that we maintain our, umm, special relationship and secure, ahh, whatever terrific trade arrangements that we are going to accept, do or die, come what may, tally ho! Umm … how was that, Dommers?”

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