Throwing the British feudal system into disarray, King Boris has instructed the monks to rewrite some key clauses of Magna Carta in a ‘specific and limited way’. ‘No free man shall be arrested, imprisoned, outlawed, exiled, victimised, nor deprived of his standing in any other way, has been changed to ‘All three men daring to meet shall be herded apart by as-yet unfunded marshals bearing red-hot pokers.’

Similarly, ‘Nor will we proceed with force against him, or send others to do so, except by the lawful judgement of his equals or by the law of the land’ now reads ‘Suspected ne’er-do-wells shall remain in the stocks for unspecified periods of time. Sir Dominic can continue to do what he likes, obviously. Please put that cosh down, sirrah. Now hurry up with my midday wench.’

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