Reports are emerging of a new political party being set up with the intention of making British politics just a little bit more polite. The last three and a half years of invective, expletives and insults have not produced any progress and the new party has decided the opposite approach must now be attempted.

Instead of following the by now traditional method of taking part in a vote and then afterwards insulting everyone who didn’t vote for them, the Sergeant Wilson Memorial Party will approach each individual voter before the vote with their slogan, “I say, would you mind awfully if we didn’t leave the EU?” Doorstep canvassing would continue along the lines of “You see, it would be so much easier all round if we, well, remained. Leaving would just be such an upset and I really don’t think we’re quite up to it. Perhaps if we all sat down and had a cup of tea together … hmmm … you know? I’m sure we could get some jolly nice cakes to go with it, if you were agreeable?”.

The radical underbelly of the SWMP are even proposing helping old ladies across streets, having gentlemen remove their hats indoors, and standing every time a lady enters the room.

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