The government has admitted that Brexit red tape has held up vital deliveries of turd polish.

Michael Gove has expressed his disappointment. “It seems ridiculous that lorries are returning from the tiny island of Europe empty rather than spend a few enjoyable days filling in forms and waiting for customs clearance into the UK, but there you are. I was booked to try and make the Brexit situation look nice and shiny, but without the necessary polish that’s impossible.”

The government is understood to have ordered 20 million tons of turd polish. When 20 million tonnes arrived, Jacob Rees-Mogg insisted that it be returned and replaced with 20 million tons in a victory for taking back control.

There were further delays when Chris Grayling assumed that polish comes from Poland.

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