Organisers of the Festival of Stinking Toilets have announced this year’s event will take place in July. The decision to squeeze one out follows publication of the roadmap to recovery. The festival website crashed today as fans of cesspits and overflowing portaloos rushed to get their grubby little hands on a prized ticket.

A festival spokesperson said: ‘Fans of portaloos, E coli and cess pits are in for a real treat this year. It promises to be the filthiest and most disease-ridden swamp-fest on record. We have some big names lined up, including Eric Pickles and Jim Davidson. They’ll be performing a set called ‘Game of Thrones’ that’s truly disgusting and has to be smelled to be believed.’

With social distancing due to be eased this summer, stalls selling dodgy street food can finally reopen. Top of the menu this year are salmonella wraps and gastrointestinal noodles. Fans of faecal waste and the smell of stale urine are determined not to let the temperamental British weather stop their fun this year. If it rains they will slide around in filth, and if it’s hot they will catch botulism.

Organisers have warned people without tickets to stay away as there will be no other toilet paper available.

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