Home Secretary Priti Patel has told police chiefs that tougher enforcement of New Year’s resolutions is needed.
She made the request in response to a report that claimed 97% of resolutions had already been broken. This figure would’ve been even higher had it not been for a significant number of people who successfully used the Magna Carta to justify their resolution breaches.
The Home Office, no longer constrained by EU law or common sense, has promised to provide police forces with extra powers to target resolution breakers.
Under these new powers, officers will be able to detain without charge anyone they suspect of joining a gym but not actually going to it. In addition, they will be able to stop and search anyone they think has been having a sly drink during Dry January.
Controversially, officers will also be able to issue heavy fines to anyone that’s not kept their promise to spend less money in 2021.
A spokesman for Priti Patel, Bob Davis, insisted these new powers were necessary and warned about the consequences of failure.
“If the police are unable to enforce New Year resolutions, the Government may need to repurpose existing holidays to compensate. In a few months, we could all be doing a Pancake Tuesday Life Audit or writing a May Day Bank Holiday Bucket List”.
Mr Davis added that under no circumstances would the new powers be used to force politicians to deliver on their election promises.
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