Excitement reached fever pitch as Mr Shaky Hands Prime Minister Boris Johnson announced the first tentative steps into the sunlit uplands of frivolous activity.

Most of all, people everywhere cannot contain their joy in reading the headlines ‘Glorious 12th!‘ splashed all over their preferred news websites.

This, the lowest level of brain engagement from headline writers, purloining the annual July grouse shooting season date, delusionally believing it to be every other person’s most favourite day of the year, too.

On April 12th, consumers can resume squandering cash on crap they don’t need in person. But when high street retailers of non-essential fayre fling open their doors, will they have accounted for the reality that most people have filled their homes with junk bought virtually?

It is, however, not all good news. The UK’s number one economic sector in 2020 and 2021 – the Scotch egg industry – faces a catastrophic collapse in demand. Analysts believe the once substantial Scotch eggs sector is simply going to roll over and die. Or roll out the door depending on which analyst you speak to and which naff pun they favour.

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