Schools minister and leftover Brussel sprout from your nan’s undercooked salmonella spiked Xmas dinner, Gavin Williamson, has decided not to reopen schools when the pandemic ends.

The dramatic move has seen strong support from Tory backbenchers, the influential 1722 committee and Jacob Rees-Mogg

‘A capital notion’ said Mr Mogg, Leader of the House and Master of Peripatetic Discombobulation Studies at Eton college. ‘Sadly, one sees little pecuniary advantage to the nation in providing the needy lower orders with an education. It costs Mr Williamson a most dreadful fortune in maintaining crumbling school buildings, exam boards, and not forgetting the endless supply of egg yoke he needs to keep constantly running down his face.

Urchins are a proven drain on the economy. Mr Sunak tells me they are not spending as much on cigarettes these days, to the detriment of Her Majesties exchequer. Mr Williamson’s shrewd policy is also sure to save us a pretty penny on millions of free, dog food based, school dinners every day’.

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